Sense and Sensitivity

If you touch me today I will hurt by the thought
of you coming any closer.
Nerves exposed to air and I'm still walking.
Sense and sensitivity - Are you gone?
Have you ever existed?

Even my Austen couldn't find you
The wet cloudy heart is bleeding.
Man is no better than beast;
Hiding and biting a weak,
close by, neighbouur
just to keep the heart pumping-
pride.

You are what you are by how
you choose to move.
If you move -at all.
Today nothing is real.

Fat version of progress,
Illusion. don't you see?
You thought you could hold on to the book
but now you miss one hand.

A hand that could be used to open your dark
tired , telling eyes.
void.
eyes that hurt my light-
Got to pack and run.
Run and pack.

Don't you dare smile,
Dare and smile,
That's all you do:
Do ask "does it pass?"
Pass! I laugh madly and run.

Run! Hide and seek.
Sick of hiding?
Find your way out of the hole.
Whole you are not.

Not participating,
Anticipating a great,
wonderful, real smiles.
Smiles that Mean
what they feel.

A feel that you lost
long ago.
Before I saw you first.
First I saw you,
Now I know.

Run and pack.

Transformation

The fear of not being understood made me terrified and anxious communicating with people on deeper levels, human levels, bluntly said levels. This fear made me try to talk, act in a way that i perceived to be "the right way".

Realizing I am acting out of fear which is never a good thing , I went upon a learning journey to get to the root of the fear and yank it.
What I learned is mostly awesome and somewhat sad but true.

When I am true to myself, respect my true core, and respect others' place in life, I am doing the right thing. Saying that, being true and not always understood leads to the lose of "friends" or "loved ones". This way sometimes requires stepping in mud and having no one saying "aw you poor thing". The loneliness that comes with retrieving your real self is tough but with it.

Upside- I have a true sense of who I am and I know it is complex, funny,silly, blunt, naive, loving to the point of puke, weird, unique and quite imaginative and dramatic
.
The drama is to be channeled into my art. Writing. Photography. Music.
The beautiful irony in that is that writing will lead to exposure of feelings/experiences that can make people once again- not understand me. But the greatest lesson is that my truth and my art is ME.

. Those who love me , will stick with me, appreciate my sincere intentions and remember always that I love them in my odd , silly, sometimes overwhelming way.
I have relieved the need to be loved by everyone.How? I have learned I love myself and just like I would not give up on person i love because they are not what I "decide" they should be/do I have full confidence that I will not give up on myself. with all my weaknesses and oddness (which I embrace).

Positive outlook on yourself and others makes this process a wonderful inner journey. As we know we are , our thoughts. Which is why repressing hard things could control us. So God gave me art!

I embrace Imperfection- It's PERFECT and Lovely and I love unconditionally. Peace.
-The emotional basket case whom I love-dearly- Me.

A transated poem from Hebrew/ Miki Esplin

So What If

Misty morning you are walking through the crowded ugly streets you love.
Wearing those high heels that join the towers.
Showing every curve, the illusion of your power ( you even put a spell on your self).
So what if what if what if you will let your guts walk those places you own?

And who?
Who do you think will love you and listen?
I hate to tell you, I don't want to listen, so keep the show going girl.
"You drive me crazy" ( and don't begin to sing, it's another way for you to dim
the lights of who you really are, So tell them , I dare you! How your mind is afraid of the light, because no one will love you , you know that).
So who so who so who will Frigging LOVE YOU?

And what?
What will you say?
You pompous know it all?
But I have to. Have to, have to, have to say ;
You ugly people with only one care , your stupid
comfort and smelly old TV chair.
Don't hide I can see you through my curves and my heels and my gorgeous green eyes. I see through your stagnant foul of what used to be human, and dies and dies and dies. AND DIES!

FEAR! FEAR of what will it take off your balance of cheer to stand to
say no to the high speed gear of this grotesque display of goodness HA! Don't even say that word you will spoil it for me.

I see you, I hear you ladies and gents and I am worried my high heels will sharpen to make a dent
In this dense ,fake, wanna be nice-
Just say it- you turned into Ice...and I cry for myself and I cry for you too
you too U2 (I don't wanna sing anymore even a U2 war song is gentle).

And I cried forever and I sat by a beautiful sidewalk I think it was Africa, there was a tiger eating out of my hands and I was shaded and my long white braid fell on the dirt and i lifted my big green eyes from my bare feet to see you sitting around...me.
And your eyes were wide begging to know...I just loved you and smiled
and told you to go-To find that TV chair you sat on, and cry and cry and cry and cry til your hair turns white and then join me on my site.

My high heels, the curves you love and those WIDE eyes will cry with you until your cry dies...

I still cry!
So What If




8/14/2010 Michal Jo Esplin All Rights reserved.
August 14, 2010 3:43 PM

Don't read if you are looking for cheese

This is it.
The moment came for me to bring to light things I have written and am writing.
Fear is our biggest enemy.
Mine was rejection.
But my art and thoughts/feelings are more powerful than fear.
I welcome you all to join this ride.